Black friday...

i'm now with a heavy mood...

black friday!

actually it's quite moody since wednesday...

since many things seems troubling me...

many things not decided yet..

i dunno wat to do...

plus quite some days alr i've been slacking all the day at hosp..

not that i din approach patients, but those patients keep on rejecting to be clerked especially today...moody friday...

since morning i woke up early as usual, i with my housemate, we went to hosp early...

but keep on being rejected...else, the patients family were there and one of the patient's son is actually a medical students too...we basically dont need to ask anything and the son will tell us every history we want...how sweat it is..

long case long case...i was actually looking for it...

but somehow, it's friday~what senior told us before is true...friday usually wont have much new case in...and the environment in hosp will be very moody...
and usually they will go back earlier compare other weekdays...

FRIDAY = patients were clerked before(monday, tuesday, W, T, F) and they refused to be asked so many questions and somemore wanna palpate lagi.most of them in pain lagi..who wants to repeat so many times with the same questions same answer and same being asked to do the same thing...."tarik nafas macik~, tark~~" "boleh mengiring sana ka pakcik??" "pakcik ada sakit mana mana lagi tak?"...etc...
=_='' stupid!

that's why, i dun get any long case for whole day..
it's actually many days alr..i'm not practising my PE enough...
haiz....
slacking for whole week..
=_=''
scold me! i dun mind..

haiz....
somemore today the main thing i call it a BLACK friday is bcoz ....
i witnessed a patient died after bout 45 mins resuscitation...
the heart rate was up and down several times...
the lowest was 30 sth and then being resuscitated , up again...gone tachycardia 130 the highest and fall and up and fall again...

first time see H.O M.O doing CPR...the malay H.O somemore climbed up the bed and resuscitate the patient which make me thinks she's really cool coz the way she do it is just like "I'M GONNA SAVE U!"
and then the MO come, surprisingly he's quite big in size, and i think that's the reason why he can actually resuscitate with ONE HAND! man~ lol...geng! somemore can talk while doing resuscitate...
adrenaline being boost for several times i think..

actually another thing to mention is that while the CPR was performed, the whole bed was actually shaking, and the patient stomach was like a balloon filling with lots of water being squeeze....u can imagine that?

after being chase out, i still peeped for the heart rate and ecg machine..though the MO stared at us very fiercely several times...and a nurse actually tease us said" cuma tengok saja ka? tak tau tolong?" with that face expression u can actually feel very bad la...but end up we gt helped to bagging ...

after a while...
at the end , the ecg showed no changes with a straight flat line...
not as the drama shown...gt the beep sound, i think somehow they mute it alr..
or else, the environment will become very heavy...
that time was about 14.00 and it was friday, 30th july 2010

the MO then went to the family...and few minutes later, one of the family member cry loudly in the hosp.............

sympathy...



"life is short, appreciate now"
we used to this sentence...
but how many of us are really appreciating their lives?
some just put their lives under risks...
do some stupid things to burn their lives off...how stupid it is!
ppl in the hosp all struggling to live even just for one more minute...
but still gt brainless ppl smoke to burn their life shorter at the same time burn the damn cigarretes which then the ppl around them will suffer secondhand smokes..


i always have one kind of thinking in my mind,
"if everyone knows how to loves their lives and love the one around them, kan apa apa pasal pun takda?"
where comes the war? where comes the fighting? where comes the hospitalisation?
everyone lives happily with each other~ lives in harmony ~
ok, i know i'm talking childish...
the world is not a fairy tale~


last thing to add on, dun judge me if u dunno me well...
dun say me garang if u dunno wat's happening actually...
dun ask me " don't be like that" if u dunno wat happened to me actually... coz it actually hurts..
i will very appreciate it if u stand on my shoe and think of my situation...thanks!
(who dun wan to be a better person? who wish to say sth bad and makes ppl feel bad on u? esp being a christian somemore...)


p/s: cant really adapt to the changes in environment after enter clinical year...
everything just change! and u have to realise one by one that what's actually no longer the same anymore...

my regards

looking back those photos taken long time ago, i deeply realised that some of the times that we spent last time...we can never chase it back anymore..

time passed and everything change...ppl changed....

u should know and believes that i do appreciate ppl around me...

i appreciate the memories that created...

but the memories are with no regrets ONLY IF now everyone still stay together and share our feelings and prob...

unfortunately, ppl leave, and ppl changed, memories are just to recall the time that we'd spent together...we just can recall some sweet feeling inside us without sharing the same memories nw...

what we can do is just continue our lives and create memories with others...but the road we take is no longer the same...i mourn over the splitting of the pathway that we gonna take...

u are once my best friend...(i mean a few of u)
i like to laugh with u guys..and do some crazy things together...

one thing to raise up here, which deep inside me long time ago...a question for everyone:
why do ppl changed when they faced stress or condition benefits them? i guess no one will like to do sth that would make ppl feel disgusting over them unless they dun realise it or they don't know or sadly to say, they might be doing it in purpose coz they know it will benefits them...

stress doensnt mean anything actually if u treat it lightly...take it easy...
coz i bet once in the future u look back on ur life, u will realised that u've missed and lost so many precious things last time ... it's not worth it to trade ur precious friends and relationships etc (those u couldnt buy in cash) with ur measly pride and selfish behaviour... ur self esteem doesnt gets higher coz of this...

i do need u all to encourage me whenever i feel down...
coz i realised there're times that i'm weak...and i need help...
don't ever doubt over ur power of influencing me..
u can make a change at me..
slap me to wake me up if i'm in deep mistake...
life's in hazy and unclear...
age that can easily lost ourselves..
we need more faith and care ~

do show ur love!


dear friends,
my best regards
cheahyin :)

boring update of mine...

after entering clinical life...

it's not easy...

1stly to say is i've halfly quit playing msn chatting, skype and facebook...

but due to mobile digi can access facebook without charge, that's why u guys can still see me online updating my latest status...

was not in best shape recently...

i realised that once enter clinical year...

it's not that the study method is different, u have to learn how to communicate with patients, and also u need to see the mood of those M.O and H.O...

if the previous night they get enough sleep, and those patients are all okay, not really critic, and they're not busy then u get the chance to talk to them and ask them to teach u, maybe show inserting cannula and teaching u the simple procedures like ecg, and those kind of "sup sup sui" things...(since i'm still a child in clinical experiences, that's what we're learning...)

most of the time we're clerking the patient in two, i with my groupmate, mainly Julia, we'll go by two, approaching patients and try to talk to them..

and only i realised, it's hard to take the 1st step to talk to the patient, esp those suffer in pain and show a big :( , and some are really like in multiple chest tube, and all the instruments are with them, those we actually din go and approach coz most of these patients are really in chronic stage and kesian them, dun la go kacau wey...let them sleep~~:)

now the main prob with me is, i have to polish up my basic physical examination, try to talk fluent in eng as it's important during care presentation, and so sorry to say, my eng is really SXCKS!

the other thing is, learn how to communicate and live well with my colleagues, coz frankly saying, and daring to say, actually many alr start complaining each other alr...due to? u will know if u're a medical students i think...heheh...else wanna knw just give me a call and i will tell...haha

for me it's not worthy to gaduh gaduh over small small things la...though i oso experience those kind of prob few times when sem starts, but honestly, i'd forgive and forget...everyone needs to pass through all this prob...it's just the matter of time...so, just take it easy la..:)
as long as i gt my friends, my beloved family, and my colleagues supporting me always then i'm fine (after merajuk for some times la of course..)haha...

but last weekend was really a bad weekend for me, i wonder bad luck had chosen my way...
damn me for i'm stupid ke po...that's y i get scolded without a proper reason, and it's not my fault either way..
one or two is enough, i still can bear with it...claim myself bad luck then...but bunch (exaggerating) of ppl treat that i'm a lepas geram tong!! wat the...spoilt my weekend mood...

if i know it earlier, i would rather choose to stay at hostel (though i might be quite emo over too boring) than going out but being qi kek...

i appreciate that at least when i was down, still there are some human be there for me to let me complain to...being very grateful that i found my IC back two days after i lost it...my fault too coz i din check though the blood test counter gal din return to me...learn a lesson*

miss those time when we spent together badly...

realised that some of the things when u lost it, u cant find it back anymore...

relationship is actually maintained both sides, once lost the other side, u cant really chase anything back...

i'm pretty quite sad over some of the friends who stay far away from me, they cant really get to me when i'm down. when i seriously need them...but somehow, i know i've to think in the way that " they are still my friend, just matter of distance, they're actually be my side"...

sometimes, it's actually cheating myself of this kind of thoughts...coz somehow when we're down, we still need a few words of comfort from the important one...that;s how my sadness, emo emo things go away...

anyhow, cant really online coz i cant access internet in my room...that's y u guys wont see me around at msn like last time most of the time...

k la...till here first, time to go ward again...

see ya~
pray for my wisdom and health to strive through these clinical years stuff all the way...

best of luck! ciao~

最近

我不是不知道我其实也没很坚强

只是触碰到的伤口，还是会痛……

还是会觉得很无助

可是每一次伤口开了，过了一天，好了

没事了

后来再遇见什么事，伤口又裂开了

又痛了，又拼命的挣扎了，过了一天，又好了

不断的循环

很是痛苦




我不想强逼自己改变自己

我不想明知那种改变会带来什么样的结果还要作改变

我不想因为环境而改变

看见超恶心的人心~

我感到很没有安全感

哪一个角落可以让我躲一躲？

周围的人都在改变

一直在作改变

看起来那些改变对他们带来很大的利益与好处

在我眼里却是嗤鼻刺眼的一幕幕

我很是讨厌



心里还是压抑着什么

一些很重的情绪总是时有时无

被情绪拉着走



说到我也不知道要怎样接下去了

只能说

现在的我，不是在最好的状态

但是，

我知道接下来的我会活得精彩！

爱——用心

单身并没有什么不好，你一样可以关心你喜欢的人，这样可以让大众觉得你是一个很好的朋友；

而恋爱中的人，关心别人则会引发醋意，从爱情观说也是对爱情不够忠诚，但不关心别人则又失去很多友谊，一旦你分手了，就赔了夫人又折兵。

所以现在单身，不是说你不向往爱情，而是证明你对未来的他的一份痴情。

　　
爱情晚点来，就不会走得太早。
　　
我们不需要靠失恋来成熟，我们应该利用别人失恋的经验成长起来。

　一个优秀的人单身说明这人足够优秀，一个再优秀的人随意恋爱说明这人的优秀只是表面而已，真正希望对方好的，就是默默在背后关心对方。

最好的承诺，不是爱你一万年，而是根本不需要承诺。

学生时代，周围接触最多的人都年龄相仿，所以价值观都差不多，都想着将来有个好工作，有个好恋人。

正因为理想差不多，所以2个人在一起会很开心，也就很容易走到了一起。

至于恋爱是否会影响学习，这里就不说了，因为既有促进作用，也有消极作用，因人而异。

恋人不是靠寻找的，因为在没有完全了解对方之前，对方可以为了吸引你暂时改变自己，而一旦你完全了解对方后，分手就指日可待了。

所以恋爱应该是日久生情，彼此非常熟知后自然地走在一起，甚至无需表白。

不要认为对方人很好就轻易妥协，人好不是爱情的全部，你们必须为爱情的将来做打算。

如果遇到一个你深爱的女孩，而你感觉她也喜欢你，大部分的人都是直接就开始交往了。

这样做的后果就是前面所说的，最后失去一个深爱的人。

你应该以朋友的名义关心她，在毕业后仍保持联系，然后为了她努力工作。

当你在事业上有所成就后再去找她，如果此时她仍在等你，说明你没看错人。

女孩，如果一个男生他很快就喜欢上妳，那么他以后也会很快就喜欢上别人的。

在学校里的爱情是无知的，在社会中的爱情可能是有目的的，只有遇到逆境仍走下去的爱情才是永恒的。

爱情不是和一个最适合自己的人在一起，而是遇到一个更适合自己的人时，能够坚守自己对所爱的人作出的承诺。

爱情不是两个人眼睛对视，而是两个人的眼光看着同一个方向投视。

网上的“爱你，为你做这些事”看起来很感人，因为大部分人都不是这种爱情。

爱情不是一种潮流，你要有自己的看法，在你的理想恋人未出现时，你要有毅力选择一直单身，而不是找个替代品。

当你做到后，网上传的那些事，在你的爱情中是再基本不过的了。

男生，在谈恋爱时不要抱着不适合就分手的想法，一定要慎重地考虑清楚，女朋友就是你未来的老婆，结婚只不过是多一张无用的纸而已，结婚并不是为爱情加了锁，真正的爱情从来就不需要任何的束缚。

一旦你选择了恋爱，就要有一种责任感，你要为你父母的儿子、你老婆的丈夫、你未来孩子的爸爸负责！

虽然分手是另一段爱情的重新开始，但初恋只有一次，一个人在初恋中对爱情的向往是最多的，而一旦恋爱失败，以后的每一次恋爱中，最难忘的还是初恋。

所以，不是不想恋爱，而是，不想随便的恋爱！


摘自： 爱情记事本

i ain't...

i ain't didn't see your needs...

i ain't didn't realise what you are trying to say...

i ain't cold blooded...

i ain't always trying to escape from you...

i ain't the one you suppose to rely on...

i ain't the one you should trust with...




i ain't...



i can't pick up the responsibility of hurting you...

no....

i can't...

it's painful to live in reality...

but i have to...

and so for everyone...




since when fairy tale seems so impossible and so far from me??

T_T