it was a happening day...

people...
i'm here again...
not with a happy mood nor a exciting mood..
i'm kind of sentimental...
cant really control my emotion well...
when i get angry u can see frm my face...
when i'm happy, u can see me singing around and jumping here and there...
when i'm touched, tears start dropping like pipe...
when i'm sorry, i will show u the "sorry face"
when i'm sad, i will just listen to music with headset with the music opened to the loudest ..
when i'm nervous, u can see me walking around and eyeball keep on rolling here and there...
i'm born in such a way that, i cant really control the emotion frm showing it on my face...by my body language...

woke up at 6:30...lying on bed with clear mind...
thinking of what to say later...
washed face...wearing formal...
prayed...wearing the little white shoe..
here i go...
one step by one step..
i can see cars moving in to FPSK..
i can see trees and birds are surrouding k17.
and i see the 4th floor...of the faculty...
and i go inside, lift stop functioning...
i go up by staircase...
and i see no one there...but a cleaner...
replacing the plastic bag for the dustbin...
and i look at him...he looked at me with a weird face...
i wait...
5 mins...
10 mins...
15 mins...
i see somebody coming up...
dr. farida..she ask me to wait for a while with the sweet voice that actually calm me abit ...
and wait...
i can see the one who call me (i think she is ) comming out frm the meeting room and giving a paper to sign for it..
the time written there for the meeting to start is 8 :30
and i heard pn alia calling someone and ask the person to contact dr.shiran and so on people to come...
i start nervous...
i cant stop "goyang kaki"...
practise again what to talk...
memorise what to tell...
and then...
bout 8:20 i think they give up to wait somemore...
and pn. alia ask me to go inside..
with the heart beat 200...
i go...
sit in front of' em..
i smile..
good morning i greet...
it's much more terrible then if u go for the audition..
the singing competition ...
the viva as well...
all together they all gave me a smile if not mistaken...
coz i'm just take a glance on everyone...
and they start questioning me...

and.....


**************************************************************************
now.....

being very honest, i'm at library...
just came back frm the meeting held to defend myself to go for the exam...
with the oedema eyes, (u guys know wat happened when i said this)..
i cried not because of i'm happy or touched...
i cried coz i'm worried..
i'm raelly worried...
that what prof hamid said: i have to be fair to everyone..
like prof khatiza said: u should have known...
like dr. niazlin said: ur explaination is not solid enough...
like deputy dean said: how far u travel back frm perak?
like those sit there keep quiet with the eyes starring at me...
how i wish it was just a dream...
how i wish....
it was a nightmare for me...
when those doctors listening to my explaination, quietly, calmly...
i'm just not used to it..
like last time...everytime i go for the piano practical...
i just cant control...just cant control the hormone changed inside my body...
the nasocramial duct keep on secreting isotonic solution...
i just cant control my words being said clearly ...
i just lose the control...
i'm just rather disappointed with myself..
how can i be so muddled...
how can i do this kind of mistake...
i should have always remind myself...
but everything seems to be late...
my excuses are not reasonable when they said : do u have any other explaination?
my brain stop functioning on the spot they ask like this...
i just dont know what to say and what explaination should i give somemore..
it's rather hard for me...


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right now, sitting calm in front of pc 3..
but still cant stop thinking of the scene happened just now..
can i go for the exam?
can i??
i just beg for the chance..
i dont want to take the consequences...
what i can said is just sorry...
i'm really sorry..
disappointment and sorrow-ness are deep inside me...
it just my fault...





right now i do not know what to do...
and my mind cant stop thinking of what can i do next and i just cant focus for my final anymore...
til they tell me i can sit for the exam..
cant imagine that... i go for the exam, and some people or one of those prof come and check for my matriks card and said: u cant take this exam and please leave the hall now!
i just cant imagine that happened to me..
thax buddy...
for ur consolation,
for ur companion,
for ur effort to making me laugh,
for u were trying to say sth else to distract me...
i appreciate it..
i have no one to call..
not suitable to call anyone..
hopeless, and loneliness are right besides me...
cant really forgive myself of doing such mistake...
how can beg for the understanding frm those prof if even i cant forgive myself...


*****************************************************************************

i'm kind of wasting time here for those who still work hard for the exam...
happy birthday to shing hui and hui fen..
happy birthday to en wan (23rd)
happy birthday to eggy su (22nd)
happy birthday to those having birthday soon...
with the best regards from me...



i hope i will be okay...